Im still alive, been a really tough few weeks for me so bare with me for overdue commissions and stuff.

My Dad went into hospital on Monday the 30th for an operation on his Liver to remove cancerous cells, which was successful. Me and my two older brothers went to visit him on the monday and the tuesday and he seemed to be improving and getting healthy again. There were no complications during the op so we werent worried about him at the time. He was smiling and laughing and telling us how nice it was to have his first bit of food since the op, a yoghurt and lots of other stuff. Recently before this operation one of my brothers got a promotion at work so we went out to celebrate on the wednesday evening at the cinema to watch the Avengers and a meal after at the harvester. We knew my dad was getting better so we said we would go and see him in a few days, the hospital is about an hours drive to get there so we had to plan beforehand. We all went to bed happy and had a really enjoyable evening. Then we all heard a knock at the door at about 5am,and we all ignored it at first thinking it was just a drunk guy going down the street or something. The dogs kept barking and the door kept knocking and it was the police. I couldnt work out why the police were here, maybe its because i was so sleepy at the time. So i ran downstairs and my mum and my brother were sitting down in the livingroom with two police officers.

On Thursday the 3rd May, at 5am in the morning, me and my family recieved the devistating news that my Father had passed away.

It took me a minute to process what my brother told me, and i just completly broke down. My mum drove straight over to my oldest brothers house, and let him know, then brought him back to our house. Apparently the hospital were ringing my brother from about 4am because of what was happening. We drove straight to the hospital when my oldest brother got here and the doctor and the nurse looking after my dad told us the situation.
The nurses checked on the patients at about 3:45am and my dad was fast asleep snoring, then they came back at 4am and he wasnt breathing, and wasnt responding. They tried to revive him for a good 45 minutes, and nothing.
We all got to see him for a while before they took his body to the mortury. It was really hard being with him knowing he wasnt there anymore. I know all people say this but it did look like he was sleeping in a way. His body was still warm, he had colour in his face, it was nice. But then after a while after speaking more with the nurse we were allowed to see him one more time before he was moved, and it wasnt the same. I couldnt stay in there, his skin started loosing colour and he was cold to touch. Its as if his soul had left his body between those two visits. I had to get out of there, i wanted to remember him happy and healthy.

My dad had been suffering from recurring cancer for about 10 years. It wasnt terminal, but he would have numerous operations to remove cancerous cells from various parts of the body and it would just come back somewhere else. His spine, the pituitary gland in his head, his kidneys, his liver and so on. But my dad was always a fighter, i mean obviously he would always be scared about operations but who wouldnt be right? When i went to visit him the day before his op, he was very scared about this one. I could see it in his eyes. My dad isnt the type of man to show his emotions and he was very close to tears.
They say that people know when they are going to die, they know when they are going to leave this world. I do believe that to some degree, because the day after his death, John his next door neighbor (who is a good friend of his) came round to our house with a letter and a dvd. John was absolutly in bits, he was so upset. My dad was one of his best friends. When i read the letter i was utterly shocked at what i was reading.

It was funeral plans. I completly broke down again, i still cant look at the letter for long because of the way he wrote it.

'Stay strong, the eternal triangle'

My dad was always talking about getting a triangle on his chest with Me and my brothers' names on each point.

Its still hard to think about the letter, I found it so upsetting because its like he knew he was going.
The dvd that came with the letter had a compilation of photos of my dad growing up, and him with his kids, all of us on holidays etc. Me and my brothers agreed that we will play the dvd on loop at the funeral wake for people to glance over.

My brothers have been so amazing during this though, they sorted out all of the paperwork and phonecalls that had to be made, slowly clearing out my dads house, sorting the venue for the wake and everything. I was very very fragile for the first few days after i found out,  couldnt bring myself to go to my dads house until yesterday. I didnt really think that i was goin to get upset, because most of his stuff isnt there now. Boy was i wrong. It was so surreall and wierd to be in my Dads house knowing that he wasnt going to be there. He would always be sitting on his sofa curled up with a blanket and watching tv when we went to go and visit him. It hit me alot harder than expected. But it was nice to be there for the last time, just looking around, and one thing that did make me laugh was when i looked in his bedside table drawer. He had a butterknife and a mallet/hammer just incase someone breaks in when he is in bed lol.

One of the things that crossed my mind the evening i found out was that i would need to cancel my holiday, but all my family agreed that i shouldnt miss my first holiday away with just my best friend (All of my previous holidays were with my family). The funeral is booked for when i get back, so that means i can still go.

I was under alot of stress before this happened so after my Dad died i just didnt know what to do with myself, But everyday the pains eases a little. I will always love my dad and me and my brothers are going to respect his wishes and spread his ashes in the mediterranean sea so we can book a long weekend away for that later on in the year.

I will be going to Ibiza this sunday (20th-27th) So i wont be able to check messages properly till i get back. I just wanted to let you all know my current situation and whats been happening,  So I hope you all understand about overdue commissions and such.

I will be drawing a picture of my Dad to put in the Coffin so look out for that in the next few days.

Thanks alot for reading this <3

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